


that shit sucked

by atlas_oulast



Category: Dear Evan Hansen - Pasek & Paul/Levenson
Genre: (teeeeechnically), Angst, Gen, Post-Canon
Language: English
Status: Completed
Published: 2019-04-13
Updated: 2019-04-13
Packaged: 2020-01-12 11:09:50
Rating: Teen And Up Audiences
Warnings: Creator Chose Not To Use Archive Warnings
Chapters: 1
Words: 1,050
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/18445340
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/atlas_oulast/pseuds/atlas_oulast
Summary: alana beck; after words fail





	that shit sucked

**Author's Note:**

> so i go through my notes app on a random day because i have a treasure trove of unfinished fics and my storage is filling up, i find and read this, and think ‘yeah this is ok ill post it’
> 
> that’s the story behind the story anyway please give it a read even tho there’s no tre*bros

“Your assignment for this week is to read Anna Karenina and submit a 8 page dissertation,” Mr. Cheney said. “Typed and printed, double spaced, same font as always, et cetera.”

The bell rang, and binders and textbooks and notebooks slapped closed almost all at once, and were stuffed into backpacks in almost one large group motion, before they all filed out to the cafeteria, as did Mr. Cheney. 

Alana didn’t. 

She stayed put, staring into space. 

Evan had lied.

That’s all she’d been able to think about lately. With what it would do to the Connor Project, to her, to Evan.

All the Connor Project could do now was finish reopening the Autumn Smile Orchard, and that was all. After that, it may or may not be dismantled, but it would be powerless, because it’d been built on lies.

Lies that had started something great, but lies all the same. 

Lies that took away the thing that gave Alana a space to talk to people. To give Alana a place to feel found, to feel surrounded with people.

And that was gone now. Totally gone. 

She was alone.

It was eighth grade all over again. Any brief attention her parents had given her was gone once Evan denounced himself, she had no friends.

A boy and lies had taken away something that kept her sane and okay once again. First Jake, now Evan. How many other boys would ruin something for her with lies?

Jake had taken away the basketball team and her friends by lying to her best friend in middle school, Tabrett, saying that Alana had hit on him when it’d been the other way around.

Evan had taken away the Connor Project, and, well...

Well, she hadn’t really gotten any friends from the Connor Project, had she? She’d only ever talked to Evan and Jared about business. She’d been planning to take them out to the arcade, on her, to really connect and talk to one another, not as business partners, but as friends. Zoe, even though she wasn’t quite as involved, would be invited too. Everyone in one place to connect and have fun.

And then she’d published the ‘suicide note.’ Because then the Murphys had been harassed, and Zoe probably didn’t want anything to do with her. 

She’d rewatched her Twitter livestream over and over and over again, late one night, with the covers forming a hood over her, her knees pressed to her chest, and leaning against the wall. 

“Dear Connor Project Community,” she was saying. You could tell that makeup been applied with an unsteady hand under her eyes to hide dark circles. She’d pulled four straight all nighters prior to that day, trying to get Connor Project work done and get the seventeen thousand dollars raised and still stay at the top of her class. Take that, mix in a lack of eating anything, and you got the visibly shaking, obviously tired but excited Alana Beck in front of the camera

“Connor’s suicide note is a lesson to us all.” 

Too bad it wasn’t Connor’s.

“Share this with as many people as you can. Spread it like wildfire.”

That hit hard. Yes, even if she hadn’t said that, it probably still would’ve ended up everywhere, but still. She encouraged the inevitable, leading to Zoe and her parents getting harassed.

“If you’ve ever felt alone like Connor, please consider making a donation to the Connor Murphy Memorial Orchard. No amount is too small.”

Well?

It’d gotten people to donate, all right. She’d hit the seventeen thousand within nine hours, and more and more donations kept on pouring in like water into a house during a hurricane or flash flood. It had been undeniably scary. 

And you know what? She’d gotten harassed, too.

if they were such close acquaintances, why didn’t she help him????? at least evan helped him

alana will preach about donations and shit all day long but ill bet she’s squandering alot of the money if not all.

alana is such an annoying bitch slut, am i right? Evan should run this on his own, he might stutter alot but at least he’s not as annoying. 

It’d hurt. A lot. But it wasn’t nearly as bad as what Zoe got. She was called things so much worse. 

So her harassment experience didn’t count, it didn’t count at all. Compared to the shit Zoe had had to deal with, it was nothing.

It still made her want to disappear. Disappear, and not come back either. 

Alana Ruth Beck was N O T H I N G before the connor project. How do we know she’s not just lying entirely about even having known Connor?

“Alana, what on Earth are you still doing here? Fifth period starts in ten minutes. You need to go.”

That was Mr. Cheney.

Alana didn’t acknowledge him, but slowly, robotically put her books and binders away, standing up slowly. 

“Hey, Alana, are you doing okay? First Evan Hansen reveals the lies, and now I find you staring into space for presumably all of lunch.” 

Alana wished she could say something. Spill the beans of all her pain, rather than bottle it up like she’d always done. Tell him about her eating disorder, her depression, anxiety, general wanting to die.

But it was eight minutes until fifth period came, he wasn’t the guidance counsellor, and when had she ever told anyone she was anything but okay? Excluding her suicide attempt back in eight grade, and even factoring that in... still almost never. 

So she kept it bottled up, even though it made her chest hurt to suck it up and deal with it on her own.

“I’m fine, don’t worry.”

Deny, fake a smile, laugh it off, move on. 

And that’s what she did.

That’s what she’d always done.

And that’s probably what she always would do. 

The rest of the day, she was silent, utterly silent. Didn’t raise her hand, even though she always knew the answers. Every single time.

Probably, the teachers were utterly relieved, so that someone else would finally answer and there would be variety in the answers, too. The other kids, too, so that she wouldn’t be called on before them and they could actually participate now.

Wouldn’t everyone be better off without her?


End file.
